First I want to say that what you're about to read, is true and really happened. I told several people that I had an odd encounter yesterday, so I thought the best thing to do would be to write a blog for several reasons. One, I haven't blogged in way too long, and two, I need to write about this so maybe I can somehow make sense of what I chose to do...or not to do. I'm calling it...My toss Up with Fate. (Not sure why..lol)
It started out like every other day. Going to work. Well, things were a bit slow and I have not had a day off in over 3 months, so I decided to take a much needed and deserved break that afternoon. I had no animals scheduled to come in or go out of the kennel, and I only usually work for 2 to 3 hrs in the afternoon, so I decided to call the owner and see if he could take care of the afternoon feeding and let me have a "bit" of a break. Great! A whole afternoon to myself...well sort of. I at least got afew hours in yesterday. Anyway, I began several wks ago, going on 2 and 3 miles walks at the zoo, at least twice a week. Once again, for several reasons....one, its only about 7 to 8 mins away from my house, and i have a membership, so its something I can do for free. I combine exercise, with my love of animals and photography. I love going late afternoons, when I can, way less people, and no school groups...no large groups of kids to disturb and upset the animals...Grrrr! By then most of the animals are awake from their afternoon naps. I usually pass the reptile center and some other places, and go straight to the two tigers. After afew minutes, and many shots later, I move on to the two white tiger cubs that currently on loan from Florida. What an awesome experience to watch them with no one else around....for afew minutes anyway. I heard people coming up from behind me and I was so engaged with taking pictures and talking to Benwa(one of the cubs), who was only 4 ft away from me....only a wire fence seperated us.. The people starting talking and commenting on the cubs and laughing, so I decided it was my time to move on to the lemurs and the Clouded Leopards. While walking away, I noticed a nice looking guy out of the corner of my eye, but didn't even take a second look. (That its self is odd...lol!). Until.... I noticed a man looking the other direction and then I noticed. No way. So I went on and walked around, taking my shots of animals and flowers, but I found my thoughts coming back to you. Could it have really been you? I mean, it's only been 20 years. (I'm really not that old..lol!) You looked exactly the same as I remembered seeing you last. Me? I wanted to run and hide and hope you didn't see me. On my way out, I had to make a stop and I saw you again. You were sitting on a bench, not far from where I needed to go, and you were alone. i quickly lowered my head and made a sharp left into the ladies room. I didn't want you to see me....not like this. I had been walking for over an hour in 80 degree heat, and I've put on afew extra pounds since losing my Mom last September. I felt ashamed. I did not want you to see me this way. When I came back out, you'd gone. Good. Or so I thought. I wondered if you'd seen and recognized me, after all, it'd only been 20 years....maybe you didn't notice me or recognize me. But then again....we WERE engaged. You were the first guy that ever asked me to marry you. Can you ever forget something like that? I continued walking past Gibbons Island (the primate exhibit) and I spotted you again. Once again, sitting under some trees on a bench. Alone. You were faced the other way, so you couldn't see me as I walked past behind you, only afew feet away. Why didn't I stop?
I was so nervous and afraid, though I'm not sure why. I kept on walking towards the exit and never looked back. Until i got to my car. I turned around and looked for you at the gate....hoping to get one last glance. I saw.....nothing. Inside my head I was cursing myself up and down for not at least stopping and saying Hello. I was doing all the why's and what if's....Why didn't I at LEAST say Hello? Why did I feel like a silly school girl all over again and hiding from you, yet somehow hoping you'd see me. What if I had went up to you? What would I have said? Too late now to think about that. I'm in the car by this time and first thing I do is light a ciggerette and take a drink of water. Before backing up out of my parking space, i take one last look towards the gate. And then, out of nowhere it seems, I saw you walking through the gate. Still alone. I ws thinking again. Should i or should I not? My emotions, once again, got the past of me, and I silently drove away. Looking back, for one last glance, watching you walking across the lot towards your car, with your head held down. No, I couldn't sleep last night. I kept replaying the afternoon over and over in my head. Had I resisted fate? Was it by slim chance we just happened to be in the same place in the same time, if only for alittle while? I wonder....I wonder why me? What was the purpose of this?
Now I may never know and I'll continue to wonder. This could have been a one in a million shot of having a second chance? Maybe? I never even stopped to say Hello or even ask how you were and if life had been good to you. Now I'll never know.
I hope life has been good to you. I will always wonder if you ever even saw me or knew I was there with you in the same place and in the same time. I wonder if I ever cross your mind or if you ever regret some of the choices you and I made.
I will never know. I do know this....Should our paths ever by chance cross again, I promise, I'll stop and say Hello.
Okay, call it corny or the makings of a romantic novel, this really happened. I ran into the very first guy who ever proposed to me and that I was engaged to. For afew different reasons, we went our own ways, and parted on "decent" terms. Neither of us were ready for a thing like marriage at the time. There was still too much living to be done and neither of us were ready to settle down, though we once cared about and loved eachother very much. Up until about 5 yrs ago, I actually still had the engagement ring...and no, for those of you thinking, "I bet she pawned it". No, though the thought crossed my mind. I had been in the habit of still wearing the ring to work, which at the time was at a book factory and it got lost off my finger somehow one night at work. I cried for wks and that night even had half the staff unpacking boxes and searching for it.
Anyway, that's history, and now, so is yesterday. This is my story of "My Toss Up with Fate". Looks like I may have lost to it again.
